March 7, 2005

• MY RUSH LIMBAUGH IS BIGGER THAN YOURS

  
  

   

  
  

  A fellow Xangaite recently posted a very witty discussion about how some women obsess over body image and how this obsession effects their social interaction. She implies that, socially, men don’t share this obsession. I agree with this completely. Men, as a species, have the unique ability to climb out of bed in the morning, arrange the eight hairs remaining on their shinny scalp, scratch the enormous beer belly hanging precipitously over their skid-marked tighty-whities, and think “Damn…I’m fine” with absolutely no sense of irony.

  
  

   

  
  

  So what is it that men do obsess about? The answer is as universal as it obvious. Men constantly obsess over the size of an insignificant, and often unreliable, portion of their anatomy.

  
  

   

  
  

  I do not wish to offend any of my readers by actually naming this portion of the male anatomy, so I’ll use a euphemism.  While there are many euphemisms readily available in colloquial English, for my purposes, the euphemism I have chosen is “Rush Limbaugh.”

  
  

   

  
  

  Exactly why men obsess over the size of their Rush Limbaugh is unclear. However, it’s easy to document historically that the size of man’s Rush Limbaugh is the key factor in almost all male interaction.  

  
  

   

  
  

  Allow me elucidate:

  
  

   

  
  

  Each year my company has an awards banquet for its salespeople. The awards that are passed out are cylindrical and pointy on top (I’m not kidding). The higher your sales are, the larger your award is. Obviously this indicates that the awards ceremony is really all about who has the biggest Rush Limbaugh.

  
  

   

  
  

  Why do U.S. Olympic male gymnasts and ice skaters wear those ridiculously tight outfits? It has nothing to do with freedom of movement; we just want to prove to the world that, collectively, we have bigger Rush Limbaughs than the Czechoslovakians.

  
  

   

  
  

  When Bush decided to invade Iraq, it ultimately had nothing to do with weapons of mass destruction. It had nothing to do with humanitarian concerns. It really didn’t even have anything to do with oil. He simply wanted to prove to the United Nations that he had a bigger Rush Limbaugh than Saddam Hussein.

  
  

   

  
  

  So, who in America currently has the biggest Rush Limbaugh?

  
  

   

  
  

  Colin Powel used to have a huge Rush Limbaugh but not anymore.

  
  

   

  
  

  John Ashcroft thinks that all Rush Limbaughs are evil and should never be discussed.

  
  

   

  
  

  John Stewart has a big Rush Limbaugh for taking on the political establishment every night on “The Daily Show.” 

  
  

   

  
  

  The size of President Bush’s Rush Limbaugh is directly proportionate to his approval rating.

  
  

   

  
  

  I think the prize for the biggest Rush Limbaugh should go to Condoleezza Rice for the admirable way she handled herself during the Senate Confirmation hearings.

  
  

   

  
  

  Finally, if an individual’s power and influence is directly tied to the size of his Rush Limbaugh, then Ron Jeremy should be ruler of the universe.

  • 4:43 pm
  • 1 Comment