ARE WE HICKS HERE IN OKLAHOMA?

I was listening to NPR again today. On Saturday afternoons I love to tune into a news/quiz show called “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.” The show features a panel which is made up of columnists, commentators, and guest comedians. One of the questions was about a Congressman from Oklahoma. The comedian immediately said “any time a sentence starts with the phrase a Congressman from Oklahoma you know you’ve got trouble”.  All the panelists on the show then had a hardy laugh about all us hicks from the sticks here in the Sooner State.

I think this attitude is prevalent because the national media works hard to perpetuate the stereotype. Any time there is a national news event here in Oklahoma such as the bombing of the Murrah building or a devastating tornado, the networks rush in to interview the locals. They could pick an aerospace engineer from Boeing; they could pick any number of people from the telecommunications industry; they could even pick the CEO from one of the 2000 oil and gas companies here in Oklahoma. But do they do that? No. They purposely drive as far out in the sticks as possible to find Bubba so they can do a close-up of his three Skoal-stained teeth while he talks about how he knew the tornado was going to be bad when he saw his pig come flying through the window while he was trying to watch “wrasslin” on TV.

Is there actually a national stereotype regarding Oklahoma, and is it deserved? I travel all over the eastern half of the U.S. and when people find out I’m from Oklahoma I always get asked the same questions. Here is a sample of those questions and the answers I typically provide:

Is it true that there is something called “cock-fighting” in Oklahoma?  Yes, it is true, but contrary to what some people believe, it is not a type of Asian-gay-porn.  It’s actually a lovely custom in which we tie razor blades to the feet of chickens, put them in a pit, and cheer on our favorite while they shred each other to death. It’s fun for the whole family!

Aren’t you afraid of tornadoes?  We are so desensitized to tornadoes in Oklahoma that we actually stand in our front yards during the storm season and hold up score cards as tornadoes come over our houses. “That one left Bill’s garage standing, so I’m only going to give it an 8.”

Is it true that there are still Indians with bows and arrows riding around on horseback?   Yes, it’s true. And every one of them owns their own Casino.

Is it true that the divorce rate in Oklahoma is the highest in the nation?  Yes, and it’s especially problematic in Oklahoma because when you divorce your wife you’re also losing your sister.

Is it true that the National Rifle Association has a big influence in Oklahoma?   All I can say is that if you’re driving into Oklahoma from another state, you will be stopped at the state-line. Your car will be checked for guns and if you don’t have any, you will be given some.

I love Oklahoma. I’ve lived here all my life and I don’t believe the stereotypes for a second. In conclusion, however, I do want ask this popular question:  Do you know what an Oklahoma tornado and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

In either situation, someone is going to lose their trailer.

SCIENCE AND RELIGION

RELIGIOUS CONTEMPT AND HOT BUTTONS

I was just listening to one of my favorite radio programs; Talk of the Nation-Science Friday on National Public Radio. The topic was the teaching of evolution in public schools. There were three guests, one from the scientific community, one from the religious community, and one who was a writer with a rather interesting viewpoint. What really struck me was the level of contempt that the scientist had for religion. I could see actual “hate rays” coming out of my car radio.

The religious leader asked the scientist why he dismissed religion so completely and the scientist replied that science determines what is fact by what it can quantify. He went on to say that if you are attempting to determine if religion is harmful or helpful that you can easily quantify the negative impact of religion.  However, it is almost impossible to quantify the positive impact of religion. You can note that more people have been killed in the name of religion throughout history than for any other reason. You can also note that while religion attempts to be “inclusive” it is actually the most divisive element on the planet. Since the positive aspects of religion are more often measured by the personal impact that religion has had on the life of an individual, it is virtually impossible to quantify.

As Christians, we might find this offensive but we can’t deny its truth. We don’t want to admit that our religious heritage is sometimes tainted by evil.  I’m no longer a Southern Baptist, but since I attended a Southern Baptist College and Seminary and served on the staffs of six different Southern Baptist Churches, I can certainly claim a Southern Baptist heritage. One of the historical facts that always cracks me up when I hear Southern Baptists going on and on about the superiority of their denomination is how that particular denomination came to be. The truth is that Southern Baptists pulled away from other Baptist Groups in the mid 1800’s over the issue of slavery. We wanted to keep our slaves because we thought it was our God given right (and of course there was the added bonus of being able to rape the female slaves.)

Southern Baptists have long since repented of that horrible position, but it’s an historical marker that is easy to point too.  It’s much more difficult to point to lives being changed for the better simply because faith is much more intangible and personal.

So the scientist obviously has a point, but it’s also apparent that his hot button was pushed and that his contempt of religion really isn’t useful. Everyone has hot buttons. One of mine is when someone tells me that “God told them something”, or that they got a “Word from God.”  The reason this is such a hot button for me is that when I was in the ministry and someone came into my office, sat down, and began a sentence with “God told me,” 90% of the time it meant they were getting ready to f#*k me over and didn’t have the balls to take responsibility for their own actions. (Gosh, do I sound bitter?)  So I have to admit, that when that hot button is pushed I’m as guilty of religious contempt as the scientist was.

Was the religious leader any better? No, he demonstrated just as much contempt for the scientist’s views, and therefore was just as guilty. The position that intrigued me, however, was that of the writer’s. He used the following analogy as it related to the discussion of evolution. He said “Imagine that you are boiling a pot of water on the stove. You can explain why the water is boiling in a couple of ways. You can note that the molecules in the water are excited and are bumping against each other. This would be the scientific explanation. You could also state that the reason the water is boiling is because you wanted to make a cup of tea.” 

In his analogy the concepts of science and the concept of a “larger influence” exist side by side in complete harmony.  This is where the truth most likely lies.

The religious community does not benefit itself by demonstrating contempt for science, and the scientific community does not benefit itself by demonstrating contempt for religion. We all need to put our hot buttons aside and keep and open mind.

A NEW WAR?

My job requires a great deal of travel. A business day for me typically consists of two hours of intense meetings during which I try to convince clients that it really is in their best interest to give me lots and lots of money, while the other six hours is taken up by driving from point A to point B in some nondescript rental car while I try desperately to keep my brain occupied.

One of my tricks for keeping said brain occupied is hitting the scan button on the radio until I land on a local talk show. There is nothing quite like regional talk-radio to give you a taste of the local “flavor”.  I’ve been traveling a great deal lately in Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, and North Carolina. To note that talk radio in these states tends to be a bit conservative would be like noting that the Pope is Catholic, that bears shit in the woods, etc, etc.

This morning I was driving through the beautiful hills of southern Missouri. I punched the scan button until I heard the following phrase come out of my dashboard; “God willin, we’re going to win the war against them homosexuals.”

Three thoughts immediately went through my mind.  The first was “apparently, I’ve been grossly misinformed. I thought we were at war with the Iraqi insurgency.” Secondly I thought, “I wonder if this means that homosexuals are harboring the weapons of mass destruction that President Bush has been so desperately searching for?” Finally I thought “wouldn’t the agenda of the host be better served if he had at least a SLIGHTLY better command of the English language?”

I was a music major in college and I spent about ten years acting, producing, and serving as musical director for several area theater groups. I realize that it might be considered stereotyping to say that gay people tend to be attracted to the arts. Experience, however, has taught me that the number of gays in the arts is perhaps more than just a statistical anomaly. In fact, the prop mistress on one show I directed used to wear a t-shirt to rehearsals that proclaimed “I can’t even THINK straight.”  What I’m trying to say is that I’ve known a lot of gay people over the years. These friendships have broadened my horizons, such as the time I was taken to my one and only drag show after a rehearsal. I was told later that during the show the only phrase I was able to utter was “wait a minute…that’s a guy?!?!?!”

I feel my numerous friendships over the years gives me enough background to dismiss two popular myths about gays:

Myth #1: Gays want everyone else to be gay too.  One of my college roommates was gay. When I came back to our dorm room late from a date and he was already asleep I would try to get ready for bed without turning on the light so I wouldn’t disturb him. As soon as I got settled into bed, however, the reading light over his bed would snap on and he would begin reading out loud to me the more “instructional” portions of Tim LaHaye’s The Act of Marriage. I think this indicates that he not only didn’t want me to be gay, but that if I was destined to be heterosexual, he wanted to make certain I was doing it correctly.

Myth#2:  Gays routinely proposition straight people.   In all the years I have had gay friends I have never once been hit on.  I’m ok with that because I’m a heterosexual, and a damn fine one at that. However, the more I think about it the more I think I should be offended by the fact that I’ve never been hit on. I mean, what’s wrong with me? Am I not GOOD enough?!?!?

Despite my silliness, you might think that I believe that all people who feel threatened by gays are ignorant, in-bred, hate mongers like the talk show host. That’s not true, many of the people I know that feel threatened by gays are actually highly educated, well-bred, hate mongers.

The point is simply that there are real evils in the world that we should be at war with and the homosexual community is not one of them.  Why do we hate that which is different from us? Why do we feel threatened by it?  I don’t know, but I wish I had a cure for it.

ACCEPTING DEFEAT

My firm has a particular client that has been ours for almost 25 years.  They have a new project that has come up that I did multiple proposals for. Although the final decision has not yet been made, at this point it appears that they are going to award the contract to a company out of North Carolina.

When it comes to sports, if I’m playing, I couldn’t care less who wins. When it comes to games of any type, I am the least competitive person on the planet. However, when it comes to business I fall more into the “take no prisoners, kill anyone who gets in your way, go down bloody in battle, never accept defeat” category.

Upon hearing the news second hand last Thursday that my client is headed in a new direction, I have been unable to sleep, I have no appetite, and I can’t say that I’ve been particularly “pleasant” to be around. My son walked in this weekend about 3:00 a.m and found me sitting in the living room, in the dark, in my bathrobe, watching “Pimp My Ride” on MTV, and scowling over my impending defeat.

Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just chalk it up to “win some, lose some”? I know why. I allow my work to have way too much relevance when it comes to defining who I am.  I understand this tendency is particularly “male” in nature. Women typically define themselves by the relationships in their lives while men tend to define themselves by whether they were able to kill the mastodon and drag it back to the cave.

In the grand scheme of things this project only represents a small fraction of the revenue I will generate this year. In its place, I’ve already had several new projects laid on my desk. Most importantly, it has no bearing on whether I’m a good husband, father, or friend. So, ….I’m going to take a deep breath, shake it off, and go on.

Except that I’ve already come up with two new strategies to turn the project in our direction, all I need to do is leverage this one person in our favor and then have that person………

I’m hopeless.

THINGS ARE GETTING PRETTY HAIRY AROUND HERE

As many of you know, my son Jordan spent a semester in Russia at the University of Veronezh last year. When he left for Russia he was sporting collar length hair and a goatee. Over the period of several months he was in Russia he neither cut his hair or shaved. He came back from Russia with a look I like to refer to as “Ted Kacynski on Crack”.  Please observe:

This look drives his grandparents completely up a wall. My thought is that as long as he remains the incredible person that he is and keeps maintaing a 4.0 GPA while finishing a Major in Psychology and double Minors in History and Russian, that he can grow his hair to his ankles, paint it purple, and set in on fire for all I care. There is another reason, however, that his hair doesn’t concern me, and that is the fact that I have very little to talk about as illustrated in these comparison photos:

The first photo is me in 1974. The second photo is Jordan in 2004. We can only thank God that Jordan has much better taste in clothing than I did 30 years ago. If any of you have epilepsy please accept my deepest apology if the photo of that jacket in front of that curtain triggered a seizure. In conclusion I would like to quote the following immortal lyrics:

She asks me why, I’m such a hairy guy. I’m hairy noon and night; hair that’s a fright. I’m hairy high and low, Don’t ask me why; don’t know.

Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair. Shinning, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen. Give me down to there, hair! Shoulder length or longer. Here baby, there mama. Flow it, show it; long as God can grow it. My hair!

What’s funny to you?

Now, I know that movies and what constitutes funny is a deeply personal thing and that many of you are saying “how can you possibly think Ben Stiller isn’t funny?!?!”  So, I’d love for you to tell me why I’m full of hot air and what you think makes funny….funny.